


now my body and mind are so distant

by moxleysbaby



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV), EastEnders (TV) RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, M/M, Might be a bit ooc, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but hey ho, callum has an anxiety attack after a nightmare and ben sorta helps him through it, it is what it is i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23662159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxleysbaby/pseuds/moxleysbaby
Summary: just a little something based on a prompt i got on Tumblr!prompt: "can you hold my hand please?"please heed the warnings!
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway & Ben Mitchell, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	now my body and mind are so distant

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy! x

Callum had had these before. He was bitterly familiar with the tightened feeling in his chest. He knew that it felt like someone was squeezing his lungs, rinsing them of any oxygen leaving him unable to take even a shaky breath. Whenever he got like this around other people, he tended to just move away, mentally and physically. Callum would take himself into a separate room and bring himself down. 

Callum had woken up like this more time than he’d care to admit but he had never wanted to tell anyone and nobody had ever really noticed either, not until Ben came along. The first time it had happened, Ben wasn’t entirely sure how to react. He had clocked onto what was happening relatively fast, given that it wasn’t difficult to work out but he also knew that some people were set off by different things. While some liked to be held, some felt restricted unless they had their own space. 

Callum was a mix of both. 

There were times where he liked to be held and comforted and other times where he needed to not be touched. It was an unspoken agreement that whatever Callum wanted, he would initiate. If he wanted to be touched, then he would either voice this or take Ben’s hand and pull it around himself. Ben wouldn’t touch Callum unless it was specifically indicated that way. 

When he woke up with a start, Callum knew that he should’ve told Ben and he considered it, he really did! But he also knew that Ben was going through his own stuff and it wouldn’t be fair to dump all of this on top too so Callum shuffled as quietly as possible out of bed and moved into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind him. 

Callum sat on the window sill, leaning his face against the cool glass and tried as best as he could to bring himself down. He had tried to look out of the window and focus on anything but the thoughts in his head and the feeling in his chest but to no avail. 

He knew deep down that it was because he needed Ben to bring him back down properly but that feeling of dependency and reliance on someone made him feel weak. A voice that sounded a lot like his dad had told him so. He shouldn’t need someone else to help him, he should be a man and push through it. 

And so he sat there. On the window sill, looking out taking in shallow breaths hoping his hands would stop shaking and that he would be able to go back to bed. The silence of the typically bustling market mocked him, knowing that it too could get rest where Callum couldn’t. Where the square would eventually close up for the evening, Callum’s mind would never. Though he supposed that there was no rest for the weary. 

The bedroom door creaking open brought Callum out of his head, turning around, he saw Ben rubbing a tired hand over his face. Callum hoped that in the darkness, Ben wouldn’t notice him in the room and was just going to use the loo but when Ben blearily shoved his glasses onto his face, he knew that Ben would see him. He had tried his best not to wake Ben up, not knowing that the younger man would notice the missing warmth soon enough. 

Ben’s eyes darted around the room, looking for Callum. Callum could pinpoint the exact moment that Ben had caught sight of him because his shoulders sagged and he crossed the living room, flicking on a lamp on the way there. Ben sat down on the sofa, as close as he could get without touching Callum, letting him know that he was there if Callum wanted him. 

Silence hung in the air, Ben had questions but he could see that Callum wasn’t exactly in a fit state to answer anything yet so they simply sat together and waited for Callum to initiate a talk or movement. 

Callum turned to face Ben, “can you hold my hand please?”

“Course I can, babe. You wanna sit up there? Or you wanna come sit here?” 

Wordlessly, Callum answered Ben by standing up on wobbly legs like a baby giraffe and collapsed onto the sofa next to him. Placing his arm out in the small distance between them, Ben reached out, waiting for Callum to join their hands, slotting fingers perfectly between the others. 

Silence continued to hang in the air while Ben rubbed small circles over the back of Callum’s hand. The pair both knew there was a lot they had to talk about but for now, that could wait. For now, they could sit together and provide comfort and love.

**Author's Note:**

> [@moxleysbaby on tumblr](https://moxleysbaby.tumblr.com/)   
>  [@mitchellandhighway on tumblr](https://mitchellandhighway.tumblr.com/)   
>  [@callumhiqhway on twitter](https://twitter.com/callumhiqhway)


End file.
